Mary Margaret's Dilemma
by Starluff
Summary: I've found the one I love. Only to find out that he's married. Why does it have to be so difficult?


I'm sick of these ___feelings._

I used to like them. All my best friends are my friends because of these feelings. When I first saw Ruby, for example, I liked her immediately and we talked and now we're good friends. Or, more recently, Emma. I liked her, trusted her, and she hasn't let me down.

I always cherished these feelings, this sixth-sense, if you will. But now they feel like a curse.

I am not an ambitious woman. I don't want a lot in life. All I want is comfort and security and love. This house I'm sitting in right now, I'd give it away. Willingly. I'd live in a cottage in the middle of nowhere with two rooms, if it just meant that I had someone to say good morning to, instead of saying it to the wall. My ultimate dream is to be in love, to be married to a guy who loves me, with children, and a house with a picket fence. Maybe I should be more independent and strong but that's what I want. Nothing else.

But I guess love isn't 'just love'. Maybe I'm belittling it, feeling like I deserve something so simple, when it's not simple. It's not 'just love'. It's Love, in all its beauty and glory.

I've been searching for it for years but with no luck. I've tried. I've tried talking to men and flirting and smiling... but I've never lasted more than a month on one. Never more. And its my fault, not theirs. I just... can't. I've seen sweet men, nice men, willing men, but it was never enough. I don't even know what I'm looking for. I'd try, force myself for a date or two, then apologize. Sorry but I don't feel it.

But that's not true, in a way. I do feel something. This overpowering sensation that this is just so _wrong._ Don't go out with this guy, my gut says. I ask why but it doesn't respond. Just don't do it.

So why do I bother continuing? Just accept it, Mary Margaret, you seem to think no man is good enough for you. Maybe that's true, maybe I'm just not cut out for marriage and commitment. Some people are like that, right? I can just go about life without needing a man or a relationship. I can be happy without. So why?

Because its just that damned feeling. It's like having two people in your head, _constantly,_ without fail. One won't stop about how amazing love is, how much you'll be happy if you have it, _go look for him/her/it now._ Then the other one's the critic, refusing a person the moment I clap eyes on him. Nope, nada, move along. Don't bother. _He's_ not worth it.

An argument inside my head my whole life. What do you want?! I scream at them sometimes. What do you even want? Don't just give me this vague feeling of love and warmth, give me something to work off of or just leave me alone, in peace!

But, no dice. No peace. Just the same argument. The same words. The same problem. Over and over and over again.

And then, as if these feelings weren't already driving me insane, I've found it. I've found what these feelings have been pointing me toward, found the Love I've been looking for, craved for so long. For once, my mind was _quiet. _That makes me sound like a crazy loon, I know, but when I'm around him, I feel... happy. Content, satisfied, like I'm going to break out into song (_I feel pretty!)._

Only to have it snatched right out of my hands.

Emma and I found him. I gave him CPR, brought him back to life, felt the spark of love! Only to find out that he was married.

_After all this time? After all that searching, all that heartache and headache, and the one I fall for is a _married man?!

If my inner thoughts and feelings had a physical form, I would be showing it my wrath. I wish I could scream and kick and punch David in his face, then Katherine, then myself. I wish I could do something to make all this better. I wish I could say something, do something... but there's nothing to do, is there?

I fell for someone who can't be mine. Maybe my inner feelings will give me some peace?

Thought so.

* * *

_**Something I wrote up real quick after watching **_**Snow Falls. **_**Reviews and constructive criticism is always appreciated! Don't forget to drop me a review if you liked this – or even if you didn't.**_


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